Let me be clear: Subway is the culinary equivalent of a lukewarm handshake. It's the flavor vacuum where ambition goes to die. It's the tasteless abyss where dreams of a decent meal are crushed by bland bread and subpar ingredients.

First, let's talk about the bread. It's not bread, it's an air-filled abomination. It's like chewing on styrofoam packing peanuts that have been marinated in disappointment.

Then we have the meats. Oh, the meats! They're the saddest collection of processed, pre-packaged mystery meats this side of a gas station hot dog. I wouldn't feed this garbage to my dog, let alone pay exorbitant prices for it.

And don't even get me started on the vegetables. They're limp, lifeless, and taste like they've been sitting on the counter for a week. They're the sad garnish to a mediocre meal that's already going nowhere fast.

But the real insult to injury is the price. You'd think, for the astronomical cost of a Subway sandwich, you'd at least get something that resembles food. But no, you get a pathetic excuse for a meal that wouldn't satisfy a hungry squirrel.

So, next time you're tempted to waste your hard-earned money on a Subway sandwich, remember this: you're paying a premium for mediocrity. You could get a more flavorful and satisfying meal from a vending machine, a gas station, or even a garbage can (although I wouldn't recommend the last one).

Subway, your sandwiches are a monument to culinary failure. You're an insult to the human palate. You're the embodiment of everything wrong with the fast food industry.

So, do yourself a favor and avoid Subway like the plague. Your taste buds will thank you.

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• The Bread Thing
• More on the bread thing

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